Is Urlacher gonna have to choke a bitch?

It was a long goddamn weekend and both Trick Buster and I are pleased that the Bears decided to step up liek goddamn men and pinch that titty. Here are a few videos chronicling a few highlights from the big opening weekend.  --Mark Ass

Trick Ass gives brings us an on-location interview with himself, 30 hours before the 2008 kickoff:

Alpha-team on-location in Chicago, shortly after kick-off, moments before an old fashioned Colts ass whipping:



You know what Chunky Soup tastes liek?!?!?! It tastes just liek it smells....DELICIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Brian Urlacher, not the player, the actor...

Yes, the first Bears game was tonight. Last night I drank 453 beers, 1 Ukrainian Village fest, 1 bar, and 3 parties. All to get ready for tonights game.

The Bears won, of course. I am extremely superstitious, so now I am really worried that I will have to repeat last nights activities every Saturday night before the Sunday game.

ANYWAY forget the game, did you see the Brian Urlacher commercial for old spice? Amazing, I also found another strange commercial he was in.

Danica Phelps accidentally a fine piece of ass. Accidentally what? A fine piece of ass.

Ok. Kickoff is seconds away. The Mountaineers got their asses handed to them yesterday by an unranked bunch of Caronlinian redneck fucks, so The Bears are all we got now. Check back later for "live" play by play clips and upates about Spermlacher's first annual Bears Kickoff party (there is a case of Hamm's in the refrigerator, I shit you not.) Let's hope Peyton Manning forgot to eat his Chunky Soup.

-Mark Ass

Ok kids... shut up and sit down... here we go.

* Sunday, September 7, 2008 - Chicago Bears @ Indianapolis Colts. 7:15 p.m. on NBC
* Sunday, September 14, 2008 - Chicago Bears @ Carolina Panthers. 12:00 p.m. on FOX
* Sunday, September 21, 2008 - Chicago Bears vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers. 12:00 p.m. on FOX
* Sunday, September 28, 2008 - Chicago Bears vs. Philadelphia Eagles. 7:15 p.m. on NBC
* Sunday, October 5, 2008 - Chicago Bears @ Detroit Lions. 12:00 p.m. on FOX
* Sunday, October 12, 2008 - Chicago Bears @ Atlanta Falcons. 12:00 p.m. on FOX
* Sunday, October 19, 2008 - Chicago Bears vs. Minnesota Vikings. 12:00 p.m. on FOX
* Sunday, November 2, 2008 - Chicago Bears vs. Detroit Lions. 12:00 p.m. on FOX
* Sunday, November 9, 2008 - Chicago Bears vs. Tennessee Titans. 12:00 p.m. on CBS
* Sunday, November 16, 2008 - Chicago Bears @ Green Bay Packers. 12:00 p.m.* on FOX
* Sunday, November 23, 2008 - Chicago Bears @ St. Louis Rams. 12:00 p.m.* on FOX
* Sunday, November 30, 2008 - Chicago Bears @ Minnesota Vikings. 7:15 p.m.* on NBC
* Sunday, December 7, 2008 - Chicago Bears vs. Jacksonville Jaguars. 12:00 p.m.* on CBS
* Thursday, December 11, 2008 - Chicago Bears vs. New Orleans Saints. 7:15 p.m. on NFLN
* Monday, December 22, 2008 - Chicago Bears vs. Green Bay Packers. 7:30 p.m. on ESPN
* Sunday, December 28, 2008 - Chicago Bears @ Houston Texans. 12:00 p.m.* on FOX
* Sunday, February 1, 2009 - Super Bowl XLIII - Chicago Bears vs. ??? (hey, you never know)

Introducing: Mark Ass and Trick Buster

Preseason Battle: Bears vs. 49ers

All of this talk of war with Russia and the end of the world and melting to death in the seat of your car while sitting in rush-hour traffic having not known the embrace of a woman or a mother in lengths approaching the nearness of planets really got me thinking about Thursday's preseason battle against the Niners.

For starters the offensive line is flaky and will have to be on its toes against a revamped 49ers defense. Much in the same way that many of my generation figured (wrongly) that we would never have to worry TOO much about intercontinental ballistic missiles (ICBM), think again: If the tight ends make it around the offensive line they will most definitely get some sacks so we'll have to watch out for that. Whether or not this latest incarnation of "The Red Scare" will have any measurable effect on our ability to minimize the pass-rush remains to be seen, however recent comments by Pat Buchanan suggest that any and all efforts to prevent a "Cold War II" are all but over--news which may leave our defense panicking in the fucking streets.

Pregame Notes:

*Preseason trades have left the 49ers with changes on both sides of the ball, look to see how they adjust to the Bears' outstanding special teams.

*The acquisition of free-agents have made the 49ers a threat in both the nickle and dime slots.

*Chicago has awarded the starting QB spot to Kyle Orton--he is rumored to give a conference regarding Moscow's threatening comments vis-à-vis the US/Poland missile-defense-system controversy following Thursday's game.

-Mark Ass